Every time a David's Bridal commercial comes on I change the channel or at the very least mute the television. Why? Well, back in September my wedding was canceled. Not an easy thing to deal with. My dress was ordered, my wedding ring in the safe, bridesmaids gifts bought and family was booking their flights.

Now, my ex-fiance and I are on good terms. I even saw him last month. Today I felt an urge...an urge to call him, beg him to marry me after all, and put my engagement ring back on.

So what'd I do? I called him...he didn't answer. Thank goodness. He did however call me right back, and I fought the urge. I did tell him that I nearly dug through my jewelery box and put something on. "That would be very bad," was the response that I got.

WHY?

I have no idea why I did this, felt this...no clue at all. It's well past time that I move on. I'm still hopeful, and I'm very lonely. Perhaps I shouldn't talk to him? I fought so hard to get our friendship back on track, and now I can't talk to him after fighting so long for him to talk to me?

...oh, my! Julian *officially* calls Ashley his girlfriend. I let him know I don't like it...that hug of his. DAMN! Being embraced in his arms makes me melt, and forgive, and want him even more. Friends stick around, right?...

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Today I asked my lil bro (19) to do some simple favor and the next thing I know he's jumped up, yelling at me to leave his room, pushing me into the door, through the door frame and so hard that I nearly fell down the first flight of stairs. Told him I was calling the police, came into my room, locked the door...then he begins to BREAK MY DOOR DOWN! He was pushing and pulling...so my bathroom is connected with an outside door to the hall and I locked that door too...he was trying to bang both doors down!

I called Dad, who was in a VERY important seminar, left him a message. Then I here my brother on the phone...my phone rings and it's Dad. Of course the boy has a different story, I'm 23 and locked in my room b/c a slightly psycho 19 year old is on a rampage, and I got in his way? I caused it? I have to stay away until he calms down?

23 and locked in my room until he goes to work...so much for us getting along. We're both adults, but this WAS NOT sibling rivalry. I know how to fight back and when not to.

So, I called Ian...mistake. "What can I do? I'm not there and I don't have his phone number. There has to be more to it. Your brother doesn't just fly off the handle like that."

I called Jake. "WOW." He was supportive, calmed me down, didn't think I was psycho...urged me to call the cops..."You're both adults, Dad's not going to be the white knight."

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Then I recheked my voicemails because I knew there was one about a job...the DM for Lids for this area (Naples to Lake Whales) called me about my resume from CareerBuilder. I now have an interview at the GCTC location Sunday the 11th at 1pm.  She seems really cool on the phone, so I hope to be better prepared for this one. She was impressed at the places I have worked, and as a woman who wouldn't be? Oneida Home (kitchen ware), Croscill Home Fashions (bedding and bath), and Zales Outlet (jewelery). "People work were they shop." Absolutely. =)

So my ex and I are definitely in speaking terms, which is wonderful. I miss him, and I'm so glad that we can finally be friends...I also hope it lasts. I still love him, he will always hold a special place in my heart. You can't be with someone for 5 years, come within months of marriage, and not expect to still care for them.

I have no clue about J.S. Every time I make up my mind I don't care, he calls or something happens to make me backslide into caring again. I do have feelings for him, but I don't want to play games.

Enter old *flame*. Am I truly ready to date? Who knows. I'm definitely ready to be more active on the dating scene, and I don't want to hurt anyone; I've been hurt enough, but haven't we all.

No job...interviews this week though. So I'm hopeful about it all.

I am so ready to get out of the house on a regular basis! Not to mention pay some troublesome bills...

MY BIRTHDAY IS ONE WEEK AWAY!

I really want a FABULOUS birthday...and I am trying to meet up w/the girls for drinks. Even if I have to go out with each person individually, it's all gravy! I just want this to be fun...and this is the first year that I don't have many friends in the area. Also the first year in awhile without Ian here to celebrate...we always did have fun on my birthday! It's the one time I let loose and enjoy. I usually hate telling people it's my birthday, but I can't expect anyone to know about it if I don't tell them, right?

Ian said it best (well, typed actually), it's a new year DRAMA FREE.

Here's to treating each month as if it were a new year...